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It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United
States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the
plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the
Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one
year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud
covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The
Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He
shouted, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive
me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your
plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my
neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I
finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any
owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now
I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I
got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of
each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a
complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
aboard! The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft." Finally, the
ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of
the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event and therefore, unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine
and the seas began the calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the
earth, Lord." "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have
to.
The government already has." |
